For me the beginning of the last week is worse, peaking on about Wednesday when the physio said "Thank God you're not in Friday...." in response to my incoherent sentences, predictions of doom and nervous tension. We were supposed to be "stretching" but he decided to do my back till it resembled fresh play dough in a bid to calm me down but which in reality is always a recipe for sending me out like a drunkard...... on the school run!
FYI snooty mothers click, I had NOT been afternoon drinking just because I couldn't walk in a straight line, couldn't string a sentence together, my hair looked like it had been dragged through a hedge backwards and I had a stupid glazed over expression on my face!
It was a TREATMENT session not a drinking session!
Physio did his best to double up as a sports psychologist and reassure me that "You'd have to have a pretty serious underlying medical condition to suck in a lung full of water on jumping in......"
"Good job I don't have a congenital heart defect and asthma then!"
His usual reasoned scientific approach wasn't working on the semi hysterical female under his elbow so he just pressed harder till I shut up and made some comment about the fact "a Psychoanalyst would have a field day with you....." in response to me bearing my soul about the previous night's dream that I'd forgotten to "collect timing chip at registration" and had to be given it at T1 and for some reason was trying to fit it over the top of muddy wellys.........
By Friday I had resigned myself to the fact I was facing impending doom, was clearly going to fall on my face not getting my feet out by the dismount line, probably wouldn't make it as far as the dismount line having become entangled in a mass of elastic bands, would suck in a lung full of freezing lake water, be the last person in the last wave to cross the line having made the clear up teams wait to take down the finish line because I couldn't run as fast as everyone else, my tri suit would get chewed up at the tailors, the tailor would loose my suit, my suit wouldn't fit, I'd forget my timing chip, I'd forget to switch my race belt round, I'd forget my trainers and so on........
I'd decided to stop training a week out, you're not going to make any significant training advances by doing "just one more" swim/bike/run. You need to use that determination that has dragged your sorry derriere into the gym even when it didn't want to go to keep it out of the very place your mind is telling it to be. Instead I spent the time stretching, in the sauna, in the plunge pool, on my foam roller and on the treatment couch.
The last training session always gets to me, the last time I see my PT and the last time I see my physio. It starts with a few jitters as the adrenalin rises and becomes more like clutching at straws as the week goes on.
I did my last proper swim session on the Saturday before, it went well - Box ticked.
I followed it with what turned out to be a 2 HOUR chiro appointment!! (It was meant to be a 30min sports massage!) from a new member to the team known as "Jon's Holiday Cover" - this is no disrespect to the poor girl, she was very thorough, she gave me the chiro equivalent of a kick up the @!$£ to realign my tilted twisted pelvis and make my legs the same length, she flicked various parts of my spine back into place and disimpacted my wonky left shoulder.
Note to future members of the team: You may wish to consider clearing your diaries before asking me to start my history "from birth".........
I forewent watching Andy Murray's historic win at Wimbledon to do a 27km ride at what would be race time a week later, just to reassure myself I could cope with the ridiculously hot weather. I lost about half my body weight, had sweat running through my helmet on to the OUTSIDE of my glasses, swore about the fact I thought a triathlon with hills, even if it was in September, was a good idea, "carb loaded" with an ice-cream at the half way point and didn't die.
Note to self: Train hard race easy is a polite expression for swearing your way up vomit inducing hills. Eton Dorney is flat.... WTF are you not home watching the tennis!?
I decided to fore go the last run session due to the dodgy tib post, bought some £34 calf guards...... and some kinesio tape (well I might as well look like an Olympic athlete even though it probably does sod all) and a water bottle that you hold as you run (....which didn't make it past the first water stand where it got lobbed after over enthusiastically pulling the valve coming out of transition which came off splashing sticky sports drink all over my arm which then dried instantly in 32deg heat!)
Note to self: I love running I do.....
I got my first clue that it would be a non wetsuit swim on seeing that the lake water had rocketed from a refreshing 14degsC in May to a positively tropical 19.5DegC by Sunday evening. Knowing this and seeing via the evils of social media that a lot of people were getting into a total flap about it had an oddly calming effect. Knowledge is power and all that. If it was a wetsuit swim I'd have to either bite the bullet and do free in my "Olympic" suit that I can't do breaststroke in or wear my tried and tested aquaskin and do breaststroke. If it was a non wetsuit swim it was tri suit and breaststroke to save knackering my legs for the bike. 22degs would be fine.......
"We" are not panicking about the fact the last two swims have required boots and gloves to overcome slime, weed, and fish contact phobia.....
Note to self: Do not watch documentaries on the Titanic disaster the week before jumping into a lake and add "cold water reflex" to the list of things to worry unnecessarily about.
You should worry about the crowd trauma of seeing you "run" from the water in a tri suit, not the imaginary fish contacts..... "happy place, happy place, happy place...."
With the prospect of a non wetsuit swim looking increasingly likely I decided to do some last minute cold water acclimatisation in the plunge pool to the great amusement of one of my swim buddies who felt the need to shout over from the pool "It's lovely and warm in here......" - This was clearly a lie as our pool economises on their pool heating bill from about March and was the reason I was not one of the people shivering at the May swim! Luckily I'd also been "icing" my legs in the plunge pool for the past couple of weeks due to a tibialis posterior issue so was already half way to immersing myself. Sitting in it for 10mins, once, a week before the event had dubious physiological benefits but psychologically it definitely helped. I knew I could do it in 15DegC water and that for a ban it had to be 7degrees warmer. Box ticked!
Note to Warner Leisure: Thanks for saving the planet and inadvertently giving me an advantage.
OK what's next on the list of "things to stay calm about"....?
1-3 Tight hamstrings, tight calf muscles, newly locked up ankle.....
Thursday I "off loaded" onto my PT, he also had to listen to my hysteria, unlocked my ankle, stuck his fist in my hamstring, pressed harder to shut me up, extracted a swear word into the bargin, did some NKT stuff to reset my balance and sent me on my way with the added pressure of "make sure you get a good result!"
4 Dream that tri suit now has legs like a 90s onesie and culottes are not that easy to run in....
- Solution drive through horrific Harrogate post Yorkshire show Friday traffic to retrieve tri suit from tailors.
Note to self: You are NOT going to develop thighs like Laura Trott overnight, do not leave altering your tri suit till the week before an event, argue with slightly bemused tailor that one of your inner thighs is NOT fatter than the other while he is knelt in front of you with his hand on one of them brandishing pins. Restrain urge to see if, as Iain Thorpe claims, boxing really does use same muscles as swimming.....
5 How the hell am I meant to attach my pump to my bike - a lot of black electrical tape
6 What do I do if I get a puncture? - pretend there's a Tour de France style recovery vehicle
7 What the hell are transition bags for? - pack two Sainsbury's carriers just in case you work this out while laying out your transition area
8 Where the hell is the allen key for adjusting my cleats? - Buy some sort of gay pride bike tool in all the colours of the rainbow
9 Will my bike computer still work if it's not in exactly the same place as the picture?
- Cable tie to middle of handle bars like you've seen plenty of other cyclist's do, feel slightly anarchical at fact you have ignored manufacturers instructions, spin front wheel for 10seconds, establish that world did not end and it still works.
10 Have I read ALL the triathlon rules? - probably not, boss is a lawyer so sue me
11 HOW FAR IS 9m!!? - decide not to get overtaken
12 Can I wear spanxs under my tri suit!? - I will have to get run over by a bus before you find this out
I do definitely have everything.........
bugger, sports bra is still in the washing machine
bugger, need £6 race license
bugger .......I need a bigger bag!
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